Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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