Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
