Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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