He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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