I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
