Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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