Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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