Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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