There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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