Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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