We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
