She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
