She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
