your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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