I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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