Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
