Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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