Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
