I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
