so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
