You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
