i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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