dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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