You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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