I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize