Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
