You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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