Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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