you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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