Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
