just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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