Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
