The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
