I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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