i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
