Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
