i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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