She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The Olympian is in my bed
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
