I think I died a long time ago.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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