he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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