i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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