his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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