1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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