I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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