I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
