What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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