I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize