If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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