guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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