no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
