Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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