i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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