I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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