The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
