I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
