My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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