I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize