Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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