Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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