I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
