Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
