I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
