This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
