You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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