who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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