i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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