my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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